


How To Profess Your (Un)dying Love in Ten Easy Steps - A Guide by Dean Winchester

by sandean_cas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Deserves to be Happy (Supernatural), Castiel Deserves to be Loved (Supernatural), Castiel Deserves to be Saved (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel in Heaven (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Deserves Better, Dean Winchester Deserves Nice Things, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Dean Winchester in Heaven, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, F/M, Fix-It, Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Spoilers for Carry On, this is what's gonna happen yall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandean_cas/pseuds/sandean_cas
Summary: Dean feels petulant and worst of all, needy. He’s in Heaven. Bobby is here. Mom and Dad are here. Everyone they ever lost is here. And Dean can’t even bring himself to go see them. Because the one person he wants - needs - to see the most, didn’t even come.It occurs to him that maybe Cass is keeping his distance because Dean stood there like a stone pillar while he poured his heart out. But Cass knows he’s a mess when it comes to expressing emotions. Dean is sure he could… tell how much he didn’t want him to sacrifice himself.A little voice in the back of his head tells him to pray.Because Cass always comes when he calls....Set after 15x20 where Dean and Castiel meet in Heaven and Dean slowly but surely finds ways of expressing his love for the angel.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 142





	1. Step One: Die Horrifically

Dean is dead.

He doesn’t feel Dean. He feels pretty great - better than he’s felt in his entire life. But he’s definitely dead.

He can still feel the phantom pain in his back. Pinching the muscles in his spine and digging into his ribs every time he so much as winced. He remembers the terror that took hold of him. That, more than the nail in his back pinned him in place. More than anything he was scared of being sent to Hell. Being sent back to eternal torment. Knowing that he’d break. Again.

But at least he got to know what freedom tasted like. At least he knew what it was like to win. To save the world. At least he got to say goodbye to Sam.

His death, he knows will break his brother. But Dean knows he’ll pick himself up eventually. He’ll live. He’ll be happy and have everything he ever dreamed of and they’ll see each other again.

Because that’s the man he raised Sam to be.

Due to the wandering of his mind, the view almost seems secondary. It almost seems like it’s taunting him.

This is Heaven.

Paradise.

‘Everything he deserves.’

So what’s wrong?

For once, he actually feels like he deserves it. Cass’ words, though they took some time to sink in, still resonate within him. It was the only thing driving him after the angel’s death. The only thing that stopped him from spiraling. From wallowing at the bottom of a bottle.

Cass gave everything for him. He was determined not to waste his life after that sacrifice. 

And the words he said…

Dean can hardly wrap his head around it. He tucked them away into a safe part of his mind, just so he could come back to them when he’s ready to face the emotional fall out of accepting them. But he never truly got the chance to come back to it. Because it’s so much easier to avoid it. Because it’s so much easier to convince himself that Cass didn’t die because of him.

Thinking about it would’ve made it real.

And Dean wasn’t ready to confront that kind of loss.

But according to Bobby, Cass is back in town. Making waves with Jack. Dean expected nothing less from the angel who always tried his damndest to make Heaven a better place. This must be like a dream come true for him. Everything he fought so hard for, finally coming to fruition.

But bitterness gnaws at Dean’s heart.

A selfish yet consuming bitterness.

After everything.... Cass never even tried to find them. Sure, Dean hadn’t prayed, but that was only because he didn’t think anyone was there.

‘Everything he deserves.’

It suddenly hits him… what’s wrong with this Heaven. He isn’t at peace because something is missing.

Someone is missing.

Well, two someones. But he knows Sam will be along in due time.

No, what Dean needs is the angel in a dirty trench coat.

The one who stood by his side through thick and thin. The one who betrayed everything he knew for Dean. The one who saved him from the pit and Death and countless times in between.

The one… the one who loved him. Truly. Wholly. With every fibre of his being.

…

And so Dean spends the next hour in this his wondrous Heaven, feeling utterly tormented.

Clearly he means something to Cass. Otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he did.

But why didn’t he come back? Dean gets that he and Jack are fixing things but Dean is dead. Seems pretty momentous. Seems like something you’d take a break for. Even just to pop over and slap his shoulder before flying away.

With Jack back… Cass must have his wings back. He can’t imagine Jack not restoring them.

Maybe he finally realised that he can be free too. Free of Dean. Free of his moods and constant anger.

Dean shakes his head. But according to what he said…

According to what Cass said, he never saw Dean that way.

So why isn’t he here?

Dean feels petulant and worst of all, needy. He’s in Heaven. Bobby is here. Mom and Dad are here. Everyone they ever lost is here. And Dean can’t even bring himself to go see them. Because the one person he wants - needs - to see the most, didn’t even come. 

It occurs to him that maybe Cass is keeping his distance because Dean stood there like a stone pillar while he poured his heart out. But Cass knows he’s a mess when it comes to expressing emotions. Dean is sure he could… tell how much he didn’t want him to sacrifice himself.

A little voice in the back of his head tells him to pray.

Because Cass always comes when he calls.

But Dean doesn’t want to feel as though he’s dragging him away from whatever angelic duties Jack has given him. The dude isn’t chained to Dean. He can live his own life. Make his own choices. Dean just wishes he made the choice to come see him.

He never got to tell Cass thank you. Or good bye.

Seeing Cass again is worth more than his stupid pride. Cass deserves to know that his sacrifice meant everything. He deserves to know that he was missed. That his words had an impact.

A prayer is on the tip of his lips when he stops himself.

If he’s gonna drag Cass all the way here, he can’t do this half assed.

He’s gotta deal with everything.

And everything includes…

**_‘You changed me Dean.’_ **

**_‘I love you.’_ **

In the moment he barely registered the words. But in the aftermath, as he lay on the ground, trembling like a newborn babe, it hit him. The power behind the words. The intonation and look in Cass’ eyes meant that not even Dean could misinterpret what those words really meant.

Cass is in love with him.

He has been for who knows how long.

And Dean was utterly oblivious to it.

That love prompted him to sacrifice himself. But it also made him so happy that it triggered his deal.

More than anything he wants to look Cass in the eye and let him know that -

“Hello, Dean.”


	2. Step Two: Let Your Longing Do The Talking

Suddenly Dean’s mind is painfully blank.

The sight of the trench coated angel brings tears to his eyes. Which sucks because now he can hardly focus on Cass. All he sees is a fuzzy sea of beige. But Dean knows he’s still there. That it’s really him. He could never mistake Cass.

“Cass.” Dean breathes, still rooted in place with shock. “You came.”

He came. Of his own volition…

However Dean notices something off about him instantly. His features are pinched and he does  _ not _ look happy to see him.

“You’re dead.” Cass observes, swallowing tightly.

“Yeah.” Dean breathes, trying not to think of the rebar in his back. “But I’m in  _ Heaven,  _ man. The one  _ you _ helped rebuild.”

Nothing but pride fills him as he takes in the beauty around him. “I always knew you could do this, Cass.”

“Dean.” Cass says, sounding utterly serious. “You’re dead.”

And that’s when it hits him.

How utterly stupid he’d been.

Cass gave his life, thinking that Dean would get to live when all was said and done. And now here he is… dead. Never having gotten to enjoy the rest of his life.

When Dean told Sam that the best thing they could do was go on living - make Cass’ sacrifice mean something - he meant it with every fiber of his being. He would have tried his damndest to have a long, happy life. But he knew it wouldn’t be fulfilling. Because the one thing he wanted… was gone.

But now he’s here.

In his Heaven.

In a place where they never have to worry about anyone dying because they’re already dead. In a place that was handcrafted by the angel before him and was meant to give him everything he ever desired. And it had… he looks fondly towards his friend.

“Man I’m sorry.” Dean whispers, ducking his head. “I know what you gave up for me to live.”

“Then what happened?”

“These vamps-”

“You were on a hunt?” Cass demands incredulously. “Dean, I wanted you to live. I wanted you to be happy and live the life you truly desired. The one you deserved.”

Betrayal clouds Cass expression.

“This was supposed to be my last hunt.” Dean says in a rush. “Me and Sam’s last hurrah. Actually it was one of Dad’s old cases. I was gonna live Cass. I had a job and everything lined up. I-”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“No, man. Don’t be sorry.” Dean reaches out, laying a hand on Cass’ shoulder. “I might have missed out on a life on earth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have that life here. This place is great, Cass. Plus, it’s got one thing earth doesn’t.”

Cass cocks his head.

“You, dumbass.” Dean says with a grin.

Cass doesn’t seem amused by him though, he just looks lost. “I wanted you - I wanted you to have a life Dean. A normal one. Where you got to grow old and fall in love.”

“I know.” Dean says, squeezing his shoulder. “But growing old isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As for love…” He let’s that thought trail off as he opts to stare directly at Cass.

The angel’s eyes go wide and his shoulders tense.

Dean takes a deep breath before launching in. “About what you said-”

“No.” Cass’ voice is harsh as he extracts himself from Dean’s grip.

Dean goes cold. He’s been shut down. In a brief moment of panic he wonders if he misinterpreted it. He’d been so sure that Cass meant it that way… but looking into the angel’s eyes now, he sees nothing even resembling his expression that day.

“Can we talk about it?” Dean’s voice sounds choked to his own ears. A flush is quickly spreading throughout his body as embarrassment takes hold.

“No.” Cass says succinctly before staring at a point over Dean’s head mutely.

“How’d you find me anyway?” Dean wonders, hoping to break the silence. This was nothing like what he thought his reunion with Cass would be like.

For his trouble, he gets a weary look before Cass replies. “I could feel your... distress. I - well let’s just say I was thrown off when I felt your distress so close.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

Cass looks stiff and uncomfortable and Dean loathes that he made him close in on himself. Was he wrong about everything that transpired between them? Dean’s heart clenches at the thought.

But no way.

He knows what he saw.

He  _ knows _ how Cass meant it.

“Cass.” He says carefully. “I think we need to talk about this. Get on the same page.”

Figure out why you’re so keen on pretending it never happened. Dean adds mentally.

After everything, he thought Cass would be ecstatic at the thought of Dean feeling something too. Instead he looks sour and withdrawn.

“It’s done Dean.” He says stiffly. “No use in dredging it up.”

“Okay.” Although it isn’t okay in the slightest. Cass just seems to be in a delicate state right now and he doesn’t want to drive him away.

They’ve been friends for years… what’s a few more days?

“Pray to me if you need anything.”

And then he vanishes.

Dean stares at the space Cass once occupied, absolutely gobsmacked. “Did he just-” He wonders aloud.

Well if that’s how he wants to play it.

“Oh Castiel.” He says with faux reverence. “I need something.”

In a flash, Cass reappears. “What is it?”

Strangely enough, Dean isn’t even mad. He’s just confused and possibly a bit hurt that Cass can’t seem to get away from him fast enough.

“I’m sorry?”

“What do you need?” Cass repeats

“Well you did a good job with this place. Almost everything I could ever want or need.” Dean drawls. “Just forgot one little thing.”

Cass gives him a peeved look.

“You forgot my Cass.” Dean lets his voice go soft with emotion. “I don’t get why you don’t want to talk about what you said. But I don’t want you to go. I won’t bring it up until you do just…”

Dean swallows around his words. That would sound too needy.

“Just…” Cass prompts, looking at him with caring eyes.

Clearly he sees how frazzled Dean is and is taking pity on him. He just died, scared and in pain in a barn and now he’s in paradise. That’s like catching a fish in the ocean and then releasing it into a pond with fresh water. The shock is hitting Dean hard and he’s flailing. And of course Cass can tell because he knows him better than anyone else. 

“Just stay with me. I need you.”


	3. Step Three: Convince Yourself He Didn’t Mean It, Like An Absolute Imbicile

Cass just stares at him, his eyes overflowing with understanding. Not pity. Not disgust that Dean can barely string together a coherent sentence, just an endless amount of understanding and grace.

“Of course, Dean. If that’s what you need.”

But ‘that’ isn’t what he needs. Not really. He  _ needs _ Cass. He needs him like the air he doesn’t need to breathe anymore because he’s dead. He needs him like Baby needs gas because sometimes - a lot of times - he’s the only thing that kept Dean going.

But now that he’s ready to say it… or at least  _ try _ saying it… Cass is the one holding back.

Curiosity gnaws on Dean’s ankles as they slowly shift over to the car. They aren’t even walking so much as staring at each other while edging closer to Baby. It’s like a game of chicken except Dean has no clue who’s gonna pull up first - or what they’re even gonna be pulling up from.

Eyes still locked with Cass’ over baby, Dean slowly cracks open the door, watching raptly as Cass mirrors his movement on the passenger side. The angel cocks his head when Dean remains still.

With a dramatic sigh, Dean rolls his eyes, rips the door open harsher than he usually would and starts the engine. As Baby rumbles to life, Cass  _ finally _ gets all the way in. Only, he’s staring resolutely at the road. Which is weird because Cass is neither the driver nor are they moving. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that it’s impossible to die here. Dean could hoola dance on Baby’s hood while driving at a hundred miles per hour and be dandy.

“Look…” Dean trails off as Cass’ jaw clenches. “Losing you. It was traumatising.” Dean exhales.

“And I’m not even talking about that part. Losing you in general… it’s always hard for me. Especially since it didn’t seem like you’d be coming back.”

Cass remains resolutely silent.

“What I’m saying is… I miss you.” Cass looks at him then. “And I want you to stick around and I want us -”  _ to go back to normal _ . But no, that isn’t true. What Dean wants now is as far from normal as things get. “- to be okay.” He settles on.

“I want that too Dean.” Cass admits, sounds like the words are being wrenched out of him.

He then proceeds to give Dean a small, but genuine smile that sends jolts rocketing throughout Dean’s body.

“Actually…” The angel says, his smile morphing into a full blown grin. “There’s something I wanted to show you.”

...

Cass looks right at home as Dean cruises along the roads of Heaven. He has to admit… everything here is perfect. It’s like the world seems to glow. Even Dean feels at peace, here with Cass at his side, knowing that Sam will eventually join them.

Everything is so good.

Everything feels so right.

The only thing tormenting Dean is the possibility of him misinterpreting the context of Cass’ love.

In the aftermath, Dean was beyond certain that Cass really felt something for him. The way he built up to it… the way he tore open every door he ever closed in his mind. The way his words seemed to soothe decade old wounds instantly. It left Dean dumbstruck. Then the confession. Said so selflessly and lovingly even in the face of imminent demise… those words....

Words Dean never thought he’d hear.

Words he couldn’t even wish to hear because just the mere thought seemed outlandish.

He pushed it back so hard and for so long he forgot it even existed.

And then Cass ripped down those walls and the emotions came tumbling out, too volatile to ever be shoved back in again.

Except… Cass doesn’t anymore?

It makes no sense… his sudden aversion to talking about this when he should have been the one bringing this up to Dean.

But maybe Cass is just that good of a guy?

Maybe he meant general love?

But then why did he look at Dean so tenderly?

Why did he say that the one thing he wants is something he can’t have? He knows that Cass knows he is family. That he’s one of them. That he fits into their life seamlessly. So what more could he have wanted that he didn’t think he was allowed to have?

Maybe he did feel that way in the heat of the moment and then changed his mind. Decided that Dean wasn’t worth it after all. But it all comes back to one thing: Cass doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. There’s no way he can fake the kind of sincerity Dean saw that day.

But Cass doesn’t want to talk about it now… and Dean isn’t going to risk pushing him away. Even if he didn’t mean it or changed his mind… Cass is still his friend.

“Turn left here.” Cass says, breaking Dean out of his reverie.

The dude is almost buzzing in place with excitement which has Dean a little amused and more than a little curious about what has Cass in a tizzy. The grim expression has dissipated, and in its place is a dazzling smile and eyes filled with pride. 

“This was the first thing I made.” Cass breathes as they draw closer. His eyes are glazed over with something like nostalgia. “I hope I did it justice because I made it for you, Dean.”

Whatever this is… it means a lot to Cass. So it thereby means a lot to Dean and he’s gonna make damn sure that Cass knows it.

But when he sees it… Dean freezes in shock, his foot going numb on the gas pedal as he stares in awe at what Cass made  _ for him _ .

In that moment of rapture, every shadow of a doubt that Cass isn’t in love with him is cast from Dean’s mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's step three! Any guesses on what Castiel made for Deano?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is yet another fix it. Happy endings are guaranteed here.


End file.
